Max Hsu

Thoughts from Max's headroom

I was supposed to write an article about suicide. I know a little bit about it. 6 years ago I found myself looking into a loaded gun to take my mind off my problems. I didn't feel like anyone cared. I thought I was unlovable, I didn't see that anything was gonna change. Not all of that's changed, but God has brought hope into my life. If you've never struggled with depression, suicide or despair, but have friends who do, skip to the sidebar section of this article. It'll give you some ideas about turning love into action. But if you're hurting, broken, despairing and considering suicide, read on. I finished my article, but I threw it out. I'd rather just write a letter from one broken person to another.

Hey friend

I don't know where you're at. I don't know what your reasons are. I can only assume that you feel similar things to what I felt: hurt, more than I could bear, a deep sense of aloneness, a feeling that no one cared or understood, and an inability to see how it would ever get better. I've been there, and I won't say that I don't still struggle, that at times, it does seem like a solution when I'm too tired of facing life.

But suicide is a tragedy. I have a friend whose sister killed herself. He'd give anything in the world to get a chance to talk to her before she gave up. I've been close to someone who attempted suicide and it broke my heart. Suicide makes less sense when someone you care about considers it.

So I'm asking you to hold on. I'm asking for the sake of that person who cares about you. I'm asking for the people whose lives you will affect in the future, who will never get the chance to love you or be loved by you if you give up now. I'm asking you to give yourself the same care and hope that you would give someone else. You're worth it. I believe it with all my heart. Please hold on, people care about you and need you. Do not let your light go out, the world's dark enough as it is.

So how do you go on? Ask for help. I don't ask for help well and would rather suffer alone than bother someone. I know it's hard to ask, I'm still working on it. But it's so important. Whether it's asking a friend, or a pastor or a counselor, try to find someone you can be honest with. We are not meant to go through life alone. If you're drowning, tell someone. If they don't understand or seem to care, tell someone else. Get help.

There's something else to hold on to: You are precious to God.

For a long time, I couldn't feel or understand that. I thought that because I hated myself that God would also hate me. But he doesn't. I've only just learned about how much he can love someone as messed up as I am. He cares about you and will not reject you. You can go to God. A friend of mine expressed it from her heart.

"So what do we do when we are tired of hurting and losing? What do we do when we cannot see beyond the hopelessness that we feel today or tomorrow holds? We come. come....Jesus understands. He will meet you with rest. He knows what it feels like to be lonely. He knows what it feels like to be rejected. He knows what it is like to feel that a parent has turned away and is ignoring you. He knows your thoughts...the memories you have hidden away...the hurts too deep to be spoken...he knows desperation and what it is like to have nothing more to give."

I want you to know that the person who wrote that lived through a childhood of physical and sexual abuse that lead to two pregnancies, and fought her way back from an edge of death struggle with anorexia. She knows those words to be true because she's lived them.

So please give yourself a chance, a chance to live, love and be loved. I know it may not seem like you can make it through the year, but you can make it one day, one hour or one minute at a time. Know that you are precious to God and that somewhere, somewhen, someone will be glad that you cared enough to save your life.


Got the call at 5pm,
Your roommate said you'd left a note saying you could use a friend
So I went to the hospital with my heart all choked up tight
And I prayed while I drove, praying you would be alright

That morning you called to talk
You talked about how life was a merry-go-round and you wanted to get off

But I never thought I'd see you here
I never thought I'd hold your hand
In your hour of need
I always thought you'd cry for help,
I always thought you'd understand
That life is worth fighting for

So you thought no one understood
You thought tomorrow would be easier if we went on without you
But my friend it's a lie please hold on, call for help
Oh my friend it's your life, you are not by yourself

So you're living on the razor's edge
Well I've been there myself holding a gun to my head.

But I never thought I'd see you here
I never thought I'd hold your hand
In your hour of need
I always thought you'd cry for help,
I always thought you'd understand
That life is worth fighting for

your life is worth fighting for.

If you hold my hand, can you hold on for a moment longer?
If you know I love you, does it make it better?

Don't give up
Don't give in

If you hold my hand, we can hold on for a moment longer
If you know I love you, we can make it together.

Credits to: Max Hsu and Church of Rhythm

back to index